all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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