I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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