I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
