i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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