And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
