I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
