is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
