apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
