I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
