this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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