Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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