We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
