Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
