I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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