i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
