I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize