i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
