Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
