3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
