i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize