Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
