Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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