i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
