you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
