Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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