I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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