I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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