you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize