Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
