I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
