AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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