There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
