Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize