sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
should my penis look like a turkey
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
