Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
