omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I could fuck to npr.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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