She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
