I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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