I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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