Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
