Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
