apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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