Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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