I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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