Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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