I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
