you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Randomize
