we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
