I want to have your abortion
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
