Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
