First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
