living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
