Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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