STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
