The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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