Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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