Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
how does that bad decision feel?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
