I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
3pm strippers are depressing
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
