I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
