Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
