He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
